Yes. It is time to face the music; the truth about self hate and what it can do to a person. This Is not my common blog post theme. It will be different from my usual post. This conversation may get emotional and real so bare with me.
Self-hate can be one of the worst things a person can have. Some say it’s a part of depression and mental illness. However, I won’t go into that right now. Really, I think it’s has something that we mentally gain because we are not born with self-hate. Self-hate can be manifested from any form of negative critique that was given to you or anything that you see about yourself that does not fit within the social construct that was illustrated to you. So today we are going to walk through the garden of music and face some truths that may need to be acknowledged.
When you think of the phrase self-hate, what is your first thought? I will answer first if it makes you feel better. My first thought is “Why am I here?” and “I dislike myself.” Don’t stare at me like I am crazy, this is my music and my truth, so…yeah. I must say it feels weird to admit aloud and publicly because I do not mention that often to anyone. But hey, at some point I have to face it. Anyway… self-hate is something I think everyone experiences in life, the only difference is you have some persons who don’t dwell on it and their faults, and then there are some who do and for an extended period. Me personally, I dwelled on it for a while and it was a mixture of being insecure and literally hating myself and the way I was or am. Of course, this happened over a period of time, but it just got worse as time went on. Even though I can’t blame anyone for it, I would say that society and social media handles have a lot to do with how we see ourselves.
We would see these commercials that would portray a slim person as being healthy, or if you aren’t a certain size, you were not beautiful. Sometimes there were television shows and series where they didn’t accept the model because she was a size 2 and they wanted her at size 0. Not knowing that she used to starve herself every day to remain that size. Or a male modal who simply wasn’t muscular enough but they didn’t realize how much hours he would spend in the gym. I remember sitting down watching these things and thinking to myself: “Nobody would think I am beautiful because I am more on the heavy side of the spectrum.” Or I would think “Because I am so solid they would consider me overweight and unhealthy.” Sucks that, this was how I was thinking, but it was the truth. That is what I saw being portrayed to the public all around the world.
I use to wonder why no one ever used imperfect persons in their commercials, because not everyone is fit or has that “perfect body”. There are persons such as myself who have stretch marks and cellulite (dimples and lumpy appearances on the booty or thigh) and other imperfections. So for me, seeing all these things on television made me feel like I would never be good enough or pretty enough. This is where the insecurities and self-hate came into play. Now not all persons’ experience this. Some persons may hate their self because they feel rejected by others and some just hate the way they look. My question is “Why though?” Did somebody insult you on the imperfection of yours? Did the “popular” person say you aren’t worth it? Like, tell me what it is. And if you are a person who did do this to someone, I want you to know you are very disrespectful and full of shit for telling them that. In this life, we have to realize that there will be people and things that will cause “us” to think that there is something actually wrong with ourselves when really there is nothing wrong. Honestly, that’s how they feel about their self, but they feel the need to call someone else out on it. Unfortunately, that is how some people are.
I remember years ago I was still in junior school at the time, this lady was talking to my mum, and she was asking about my older sister and I. It just so happened that I was standing behind my mum, but she didn’t realize it. The lady then said “Where is your daughter? Not the bright, short, ugly one right here (referring to me). The pretty dark one.” Listen to me!!! I never realized how rude a person could be until the lady said that in the presence of me standing right there. *wipes tear * and yes to this day I still get a little emotional about it, because that really broke my heart. However, I realized that’s how she feels about herself. The point of me telling that story is so that you can see how disrespectful persons are. You have to learn that people will say the nastiest things about you, but it's up to you to decide if you will take it to heart or laugh it off and realize that you aren’t any of those things people say about you. Now, to face the real music of self-hate and my story about it. *breath in slowly and breath out slowly *
The truth is… I just learned to actually love myself and to appreciate myself as a human being. I am just coming into my own and realizing how AMAZING I am as a person; and how beautiful I am. Not to sound vain or anything but literally finding my confidence and finding who I am. In all honesty, I could have never said this a year and a half ago. I always use to question my existence here on earth and wonder why I am the way I am and why I looked the way I looked. If you were to see me a year and a half ago, you wouldn’t recognize me. Like you would know it’s me Odette, but I wouldn’t look or have that natural happiness glow. I usually would just hide behind my smile and pretend that everything was okay when really I wasn’t. I never was pleased with myself like at all. I had moments of asking my own mum “Do you think I am pretty or do you think I am fat?” and my mum would look at me like I am stupid. Of course, she would say yes I am beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with me, but with the negative mentality I had, I just use to think she was saying that because I am her child. For me, I always had a problem with myself, like for some reason I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror at myself without complaining about a feature on me. Like my own existence bothered me, literally. It is so funny that I can admit to this now because I don’t think I ever expressed how I felt to anyone about myself, until now of course. When things started to go downhill in my personal life, that’s when I really just took a turn for the worse mentally and physically. I began to gain more weight, and I didn’t care how I stepped out my house, once I had on clothes I really didn’t care, and I was extremely snappy with my attitude. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t see my purpose on earth anymore, I could have died, and my mentality was nobody would care except my immediate family. For some strange reason, I just couldn’t get out of this mindset. I just hated myself and was extremely insecure. Basically, I was depressed; however, I used my smile to hide my pain.
Eventually, I found myself praying more and asking the “Big Guy” above to help me overcome this dark spell. As days went by things started to take a turn for the better. I started working out, fixing myself better, saying positive affirmations, I decided to change my environment from the persons who were in my life right down to a new job. Everything just started to clear up a bit in my life. The day I started to find myself again was the day I started this blog and this website that you are currently on. I felt like I belonged again and I didn’t feel worthless, and most importantly I didn’t feel depressed anymore. The depression just went away, don’t get me wrong I still have trigger points, but I just know how to control them and what to do when I start to feel like I am going to relapse. If you are wondering if I ever got professional help… the answer is NO. “why?” you may ask because I didn’t care to get any. I wanted to help myself and pick myself back up. Nobody knew what was going on with me except me. I am sure my parents knew I wasn’t happy, but I don’t think they knew how serious it was, that’s because I never really opened up about it to them. I wiped my own tears, patted myself on the back and reminded myself that everything will be okay. From then I kept “Blooming” into who I am now. *wipes tear away * the fact that I am here telling you all this is a HUGE step for me, like seriously. This is my music, my truth, and my story, and this isn’t really all of it, but eventually, you will find out. *giggles *
So yes, this is the truth about what self-hate can do to a person. I would like to say that I am living proof that things can work out, but sadly there are some who would rather not live anymore because of it. This experience has taught me a lot about who I am as a person. It taught me that I am stronger than I thought I was and it has taught me that it is okay not to be okay all the time. It has shown me that to be content with myself, sometimes it just starts with a change in your environment, and sure enough, your mentality will change for the better. I share this because self-hate is a real thing, depression is a real thing. It is not a joke or to look for attention it is serious. If you hate the way you are because of what someone told you, don’t listen to them… they’re mean and stupid. Like I said before, I don’t judge anyone here on my blog but if you hate yourself because of the “gender” you are and feel like you will love yourself more if you change then go ahead, but before you do that make sure that is what you really want. I just want you to love yourself and just to be happy. We only have one life to live. Learn to love your self, nobody is perfect, and I don't think no one will ever be perfect. The right persons will love you for you, and that’s what matters.
I love you, and there is nothing wrong with you. You are never alone in situations such as this trust me you will be amazed at how many people are going through what you are going through. You matter. You are here for a reason. Your purpose on this earth will show eventually. I know you may feel like you don’t belong and hate yourself but don’t do that. Be positive and learn to love yourself and the skin you are in.
Don’t cry please. Smile!!!