Journal Entry # 3 : Raw & Unfiltered
Odette
Disclaimer: I am human, with all the human emotions that come with it. I offer no judgment, just raw, uncut and unfiltered vibes. “I’m so stressed, I dunno what to do and I feel sad, I want to scream and cuss”…As I sit here currently writing this while listening to Fall Lo-fi music, …I wonder why this curve ball was sent at me. Was it because I did something wrong? Is it because I fell back on my “readings”, maybe because I needed to be isolated for a bit or is this to birth a new thing in me?
I ask myself these questions and go through the motions, trying to figure out what exactly went wrong when everything was going right. It happened randomly and suddenly; like I said, I didn't see it coming. Has that ever been you? Everything was going in the right direction; things were beginning to look "up," then a major plot twist. I know I'm not the only one this has happened to. It's just disappointing. I keep wondering to myself…is this the proper reset I need for this New Era and season in my life.
As I sit here and reflect on this, I am isolated by my thoughts and emotions. Isolated, with my spirit feeling slightly shaky and not so much at ease. The feeling is unexplainable! It's like 60% of me is okay because I have this sense of peace despite this major curve ball. Maybe that's my Faith being activated because I know something greater is coming. But, 40% of me is shaken, but mainly because I'm worried about how certain things will get done; but I keep telling myself God is not of confusion and He will provide for all my needs. One minute, I feel okay and recite Bible scriptures, and then the next second, I'm crying and just questioning, How? Sounds a little bipolar there, but I promise that's not what it is. You see, that's what happens when you are trying hard to keep it together – you try so hard that you break! You try so hard that you aren't sure what emotion to go with, so you turn Numb. I guess that's what happens when curveballs are thrown. Am I the only one?
Though I am in my new season, a few things still need to take place. But, for those things to take place, maybe I had to be removed from certain things. Perhaps I must go through Isolation and silence (we will discuss that in another post). Obviously, this curve ball was for a reason. I know you are wondering what the curve ball is, but I can't say – "Season of Silence." Listen & this isn't me boasting, but I have my alarm set for a specific time just to pray. Cause Lord knows, this reminds me of something that happened 5/6 years ago. GOLLYYYYY! Anyway… back to the reflection. Now that I think of it – What if God had to shake things up, swirl me around like a hurricane, and re-route me? What if what I "think" I want is not what I want? What if I did miss a step, so now He has to…you know? Maybe I didn't skip a step, and this is His way of Realigning, Readjusting, Rejuvenating, Regenerating, and Reviving me. Perhaps this Isolation is really for me to sit my backside down and decide what I really want and stand firm on it. My mind is a non-stop analytical machine, that sucker doesn't know when to shut down. One minute, there's this confidence boost to do what I want, and then the next, I question if I really should.
My main issue is comparing myself and worrying about what others will think. You know that's a fault of mine; sometimes, I let what people say get the best of me, but then I remember who I am. Cause this is my life, NOT THERE OWN! It's that similar feeling, like when they say you can't be lukewarm in God or you can't be in n' out of your spiritual journey – make up your mind what you gonna do cause once that "Boat" leave (like Noahs Ark) that's it. Your hip is grass (see what I did there). I hope you can swim *laugh hysterically *. THE POINT IS… I firmly believe this is what's happening to me. I must stand firm on "this" and let that be that. And, to hell, what anybody else thinks or says. Are you feeling where I'm coming from? I hope so…sigh. I must calm my spirit because it will not always be like this. Sooner than later, it will turn around for me.
-The Story will Continue.